a short non-rhyming poem

Gafoogle

Gafoogle

Well-Known Member
Through the doors of your soul,
Not all beautiful nor all ugly,
and none of it safe,
Follow the laughter down the darkest hallways of your Mind,
Memory is a Tricky guide,
and Pleasure and Pain, Happiness and Sadness will lie,
Find salvation in the ability to See and Love ALL,
Trust only Yourself and the ripples you Create


I had an image to go along with it, but that's a bit of a sad story. To sum it up, I was forced to scrub it off.
 
K

Kubla

Well-Known Member
I love poems that rely on rhythm rather than rhyme to create a flow for the reader to follow. That said, I'd steer away from phrases like "door to your soul". Unless your going to take a cliché and flip it to take on another meaning, they can kind of encourage the reader to tune out, given that the over-use of the phrase in vernacular waters down its impact. I'd also really like to see this rewritten with more playful punctuation. Instead of having one long line, broken by commas, you could lean on line breaks and periods, or other methods of creating pauses. If you do that you'll end up with shorter lines, which mean the reader has a chance to create an image of what you're describing, then with the next line you can build on that and so on...

All that said I don't want to come across as super negative, I'm just in the habit of constructive criticism. I really like the line "Memory is a tricky guide". Very cool image.

Keep writing bro! :blsmoke:
 
Gafoogle

Gafoogle

Well-Known Member
Kubla said:
I love poems that rely on rhythm rather than rhyme to create a flow for the reader to follow. That said, I'd steer away from phrases like "door to your soul". Unless your going to take a cliché and flip it to take on another meaning, they can kind of encourage the reader to tune out, given that the over-use of the phrase in vernacular waters down its impact. I'd also really like to see this rewritten with more playful punctuation. Instead of having one long line, broken by commas, you could lean on line breaks and periods, or other methods of creating pauses. If you do that you'll end up with shorter lines, which mean the reader has a chance to create an image of what you're describing, then with the next line you can build on that and so on...

All that said I don't want to come across as super negative, I'm just in the habit of constructive criticism. I really like the line "Memory is a tricky guide". Very cool image.

Keep writing bro! :blsmoke:
Click to expand...
I've never minded constructive criticism don't worry, thanks for all the advice and comments :)
 
Dr.Amber Trichome

Dr.Amber Trichome

Well-Known Member
I actually like "doors of your soul."
If you recall, one of the most exellent poets/musicians that I can think of named his band with that idea in mind.
The great Jim Morrison of the DOORs.
I love the line,,follow your laughter down the darkest hallways of your mind. Very descriptive and the imagery that comes to me here is powerful.
Last line is killer, good one to live by.
All in all a very good poem.. I like it!!!!!!!!!!
 
Gafoogle

Gafoogle

Well-Known Member
Dr.Amber Trichome said:
I actually like "doors of your soul."
If you recall, one of the most exellent poets/musicians that I can think of named his band with that idea in mind.
The great Jim Morrison of the DOORs.
I love the line,,follow your laughter down the darkest hallways of your mind. Very descriptive and the imagery that comes to me here is powerful.
Last line is killer, good one to live by.
All in all a very good poem.. I like it!!!!!!!!!!
Click to expand...
thank you :) :) :) :)
 
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