Coz the Shroom
Active Member
I had a real problem with my wife's meth use a few years back-- worst 7 years I ever lived through, and worst years my children are likely to experience.
I'm 56 now, but I never went to jail before I was 52.
I discovered her meth, tried to flush it down the toilet, she resisted, and I was adamant about wresting it from her grasp so I could remove it from the home I was trying to make for our children.
In my state, if you restrain someone, it is considered "battery of a household member" so now I'm a wife-beater to anyone who ONLY reads the headlines instead of the full police report.
Anyway, I was offered a program that was identical to probation, and would expunge my record, except for this:
I could not smoke weed on the program, but in my state, if you are on medical cannabis, you can smoke weed on probation.
Well, I explained to my attorney that I had not extracted myself from the conditions of my PTSD (I literally have worse PTSD than EVER from having to deal with an endless parade of terrible people on terrible drugs, who I would have spent my whole life AVOIDING if given the choice and I have PTSD events going back to my childhood-- this was by FAR the very worst trauma I experienced, and she was still using, (unintentionally) partially neglecting my kids (she spoiled them with food, toys and attention, but she wouldn't help me clean the house and I had two autistic kids and a drug addict wife who was always too tired to help to clean up after-- that was the main reason the kids were taken from us for over two years and we are both VERY lucky to be a success story for the state re-unifying our family), and spending all of her time with people I literally wished I could kill) and I would inevitably fail to meet the requirements of the program if I wasn't on my medicine.
Now this was absolutely true. In fact, even ON my medication, I violated the terms of my probation multiple times and had the cops called on me multiple times, each time thinking "well, you fucked up your probation, guess you're going to jail."
So maybe I could have selected the first option and been okay? I don't know. I've smoked weed since I was 12, but I NEVER smoked weed daily, and many times at that, until I realized I had better do something before I killed a bunch of people or went Johnny Teardrop on my family and myself. It was that bad. I knew better than to try to force her to quit, but I had no options.
Was I to abandon my wife and kids? I KNOW there is no way I could have talked her into just leaving them with me and then she'd be welcome to her tweaker life-- WITHOUT US, but the simple fact is, I was terrified she'd be thrown in prison and that I would have to raise two autistic kids with severe behavioural and emotional problems, by myself, on my income, in this VERY exploitative time in our history when more people are suffering from poverty than ever before, and with zero support from anyone else to raise them.
As it stands now:
the kids were supposed to move in with me and my cousin, who bought a house here in my home town just so he could come here and raise my kids. However, they sent my less functional autistic child first, his behaviour at school was horrible and they could not find in-home therapy in my locale, so they returned him to foster care.
My wife went to rehab and got clean (but losing her kids was not rock bottom for her, it was getting hooked on fentanyl and playing around with DEATH). She could not find decent paying work or affordable housing here, so she moved back to her home state, which I think may have been necassary for her mental health anyway-- she hadn't seen her family since she moved to my state in 2010). She found an in home therapist, and frankly made MORE progress than me and in a little over a week, my sons are going to be sent to her. If she doesn't fuck up, by March this will all be over. She got a good house, but the rent is too high, so in spite of us being more in love than ever before, we are getting a divorce (so she can apply for public housing. uh... I'm not going to move to Mississippi from a dry, comfortable climate. I left Texas cause it was too shitty all year round), but I'll be spending a lot of time with her and the kids, and when I am sure I will never fight in front of the kids again, I may re-join her
Did I make a mistake? I know without a doubt I would have probably killed someone if I didn't have weed to chill me out ... AND to help my therapy, for sure, as I am always VERY introspective when I'm stoned.
But to the State of New Mexico I am a violent criminal. Of course being violent and mentally ill was ALWAYS a sure path to medical marijuana in NM. Then they were just like: "fuck it! you say you have PTSD? sure! rubber stamp! There ya go!" and now it's recreational too.
I was never a violent person in my life before this... and to my shame, I did end up (infrequnetly and not extremely) violent to her. A little more extream when it came down to fighting men who I considered enemies.
You're supposed to fight them, so I took a great deal of satisfaction in doing so. I'm so happy that is all over. that's why I'm a monk. I want to learn a better way, like Quai-Chang Caine. He was the most passive person in the world until fighting was inevitable. That 7 year curse is over and I don't ever want to hurt anyone again. Not with my body OR my words. If I cloister myself, remain celibate, and fast for days on end, that should be some indication of what this has done to me and how much I want to retreat from this horrible thing I became. I literally starve myself for days and will do so for the rest of my life. I want nothing more than to love everyone and spend the rest of my days making people happy.
I'm 56 now, but I never went to jail before I was 52.
I discovered her meth, tried to flush it down the toilet, she resisted, and I was adamant about wresting it from her grasp so I could remove it from the home I was trying to make for our children.
In my state, if you restrain someone, it is considered "battery of a household member" so now I'm a wife-beater to anyone who ONLY reads the headlines instead of the full police report.
Anyway, I was offered a program that was identical to probation, and would expunge my record, except for this:
I could not smoke weed on the program, but in my state, if you are on medical cannabis, you can smoke weed on probation.
Well, I explained to my attorney that I had not extracted myself from the conditions of my PTSD (I literally have worse PTSD than EVER from having to deal with an endless parade of terrible people on terrible drugs, who I would have spent my whole life AVOIDING if given the choice and I have PTSD events going back to my childhood-- this was by FAR the very worst trauma I experienced, and she was still using, (unintentionally) partially neglecting my kids (she spoiled them with food, toys and attention, but she wouldn't help me clean the house and I had two autistic kids and a drug addict wife who was always too tired to help to clean up after-- that was the main reason the kids were taken from us for over two years and we are both VERY lucky to be a success story for the state re-unifying our family), and spending all of her time with people I literally wished I could kill) and I would inevitably fail to meet the requirements of the program if I wasn't on my medicine.
Now this was absolutely true. In fact, even ON my medication, I violated the terms of my probation multiple times and had the cops called on me multiple times, each time thinking "well, you fucked up your probation, guess you're going to jail."
So maybe I could have selected the first option and been okay? I don't know. I've smoked weed since I was 12, but I NEVER smoked weed daily, and many times at that, until I realized I had better do something before I killed a bunch of people or went Johnny Teardrop on my family and myself. It was that bad. I knew better than to try to force her to quit, but I had no options.
Was I to abandon my wife and kids? I KNOW there is no way I could have talked her into just leaving them with me and then she'd be welcome to her tweaker life-- WITHOUT US, but the simple fact is, I was terrified she'd be thrown in prison and that I would have to raise two autistic kids with severe behavioural and emotional problems, by myself, on my income, in this VERY exploitative time in our history when more people are suffering from poverty than ever before, and with zero support from anyone else to raise them.
As it stands now:
the kids were supposed to move in with me and my cousin, who bought a house here in my home town just so he could come here and raise my kids. However, they sent my less functional autistic child first, his behaviour at school was horrible and they could not find in-home therapy in my locale, so they returned him to foster care.
My wife went to rehab and got clean (but losing her kids was not rock bottom for her, it was getting hooked on fentanyl and playing around with DEATH). She could not find decent paying work or affordable housing here, so she moved back to her home state, which I think may have been necassary for her mental health anyway-- she hadn't seen her family since she moved to my state in 2010). She found an in home therapist, and frankly made MORE progress than me and in a little over a week, my sons are going to be sent to her. If she doesn't fuck up, by March this will all be over. She got a good house, but the rent is too high, so in spite of us being more in love than ever before, we are getting a divorce (so she can apply for public housing. uh... I'm not going to move to Mississippi from a dry, comfortable climate. I left Texas cause it was too shitty all year round), but I'll be spending a lot of time with her and the kids, and when I am sure I will never fight in front of the kids again, I may re-join her
Did I make a mistake? I know without a doubt I would have probably killed someone if I didn't have weed to chill me out ... AND to help my therapy, for sure, as I am always VERY introspective when I'm stoned.
But to the State of New Mexico I am a violent criminal. Of course being violent and mentally ill was ALWAYS a sure path to medical marijuana in NM. Then they were just like: "fuck it! you say you have PTSD? sure! rubber stamp! There ya go!" and now it's recreational too.
I was never a violent person in my life before this... and to my shame, I did end up (infrequnetly and not extremely) violent to her. A little more extream when it came down to fighting men who I considered enemies.
You're supposed to fight them, so I took a great deal of satisfaction in doing so. I'm so happy that is all over. that's why I'm a monk. I want to learn a better way, like Quai-Chang Caine. He was the most passive person in the world until fighting was inevitable. That 7 year curse is over and I don't ever want to hurt anyone again. Not with my body OR my words. If I cloister myself, remain celibate, and fast for days on end, that should be some indication of what this has done to me and how much I want to retreat from this horrible thing I became. I literally starve myself for days and will do so for the rest of my life. I want nothing more than to love everyone and spend the rest of my days making people happy.
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sounds like a battle
