10 SURE SIGNS YOU'RE SEVERELY STONED
1. You've just started eating the large triple pepperoni pizza you ordered when all of a sudden the realisation hits you: ME HUNGRY! So you go to the kitchen and make yourself a sandwich.
2. You firmly believe you have been caught in some weird-ass X-files-style time warp, because the past five hours went by in exactly nine minutes!
3. The six-hour re-run marathon of "The life of the common garden snail" is without doubt the most fascinating thing you have EVER seen in your entire life.
4. You've decided that "trumpet" is the funniest word in the history of language. You know this for a fact, because you've been saying "trumpet" for the past 30 minutes and nearly pissing yourself with hysterics every single time.
5. You've discovered a mouth-wateringly scrumptious new dish! And while at the time, your gourmet concoction of smoked salmon, re-fried beans, maple syrup, capers and deep-fried Mars bars spread on wholegrain toast and sprinkled with Kool-Aid powder looked finger-licking good, the next day you find that what remains on the plate closely resembles the result of nuclear holocaust.
6. You invent a toaster-cum-stapler to solve the utterly aggravating issue of runny cheese dripping out of your grilled cheese sandwich. Then you decide you can't be arsed to actually build one, and would much rather just sit and pick the hairy, gritty strings of cheese off of the carpet and eat them.
7. You've written the last two movements of Schubert's unfinished symphony, but in colours instead of notes! It is a stunning piece of heartbreaking poignance... if only you could remember it.
8. In the throes of a attack of the gigglies, you become convinced that you can control your hysterics by breathing slowly and deeply. While this seems to work from your perspective, all your friends see is you wheezing and cackling like a deranged asthmatic on crack.
9. You decide to drink two litres of "herbal tea" and then order some personalised business cards. You proudly send round your design to your buddies. One of them decides to prank you, and switches two digits of your phone number around. In your dismay, you frantically start rattling off an e-mail to the printer to correct the mistake. Then your friend decides to come clean and show you what he did.... but after initial relief, you discover that you *also* switched two digits by accident originally!*
10. An utterly brilliant idea has just struck you that is sure to win you a Nobel prize at the very least, and possibly even solve all problems that ever existed in the history of the world. Quickly, you grab a pen and paper to jot it down. The next morning, however, you'll find that what you have actually written down is "alien tuna bunker!!!".
