All your shitty jokes

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket,
But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

Oh sorry missed the shitty jokes part

Did you know that Diarrhea is hereditary?


It runs in your jeans

A Chinese guy comes into the pub, stands by me and starts drinking.

I said to him,

"Do you know any of those martial arts like Kung Fu, Ju Jitsu or Karate?"

He said,

"Why you ask me that? Is it coz I is Chinese?"

I said,

"No, it's because you're drinking my bloody beer."

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away.
They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth.

As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife,

"Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"

"Property?”, his wife replies.
“The silly sod was a window cleaner "

A youth got into a lot of trouble, vandalizing and the such. One day, he got married; so he cleaned up his act. Well, some years went by, and the wife ran away with the state trooper. After the divorce, the man decided to live a little; and got himself a 1969 Ford Mustang. He was speeding along the highway, when he saw blue flashing lights. The man sped up some more, before realizing; "Hey, what am I doing? I'm not young anymore." So the man turned his blinker on and pulled over. After he and the state trooper stopped, the trooper got and went up to the man's window. "License, and registration; please." The trooper said. The man handed over his license and registration. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The trooper asked. "Yes, sir; I do. I was speeding." The man answered. "I'll tell you what, I've heard every excuse in the book. So, you tell me a new one I haven't heard before, I'll let you off with a warning." The man thought for a few seconds before saying; "Well, sir; the thing of it is, is that my ex-wife ran away with a state trooper and, well; I thought you were bringing her back." The state trooper handed back the license and registration and said; "Have a nice day."

A guy walks into a bar, he has a three foot midget on his shoulder. The guy sits down at the bar, and the bartender says "What will you have?" The guy says "I'll have a Budweiser" The Bartender brings him the drink, and the guy takes a sip. He puts it down on the bar. The midget knocks the drink over and hops back on the guys shoulders. The bartender brings him another one, he takes a sip, puts it back down and the midget knocks it over again. The bartender brings him out a third beer and the midget does it again. Finally the bartender asks: "Why does he keep doing that?" The guy says "Well, last week I came across a magic lamp. I picked it up, rubbed it and a Genie popped out and granted me one wish." The Bartender says: "And? What was your wish?" The guy says: "I wished for a three foot dick, and here he is!"

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

Why did the other monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was stapled to the first monkey.

Do you know why Polish and polish are spelled the same?

You don't know shit from shinola obviously.

Compliments of my Polish wife. I don't want any racist crap for feedback. LOL.

MICHI-CAN said:

Do you know why Polish and polish are spelled the same?

You don't know shit from shinola obviously.

Compliments of my Polish wife. I don't want any racist crap for feedback. LOL.

Click to expand...

If you don’t want blowback for racism, I suggest not posting a bigoted joke.

wtf kinda jokes are those, not cool

Wow. Jokes to those who don't allow mere words to be weaponized. I'm many labels. And now you label me again. And the implied righteousness is baffling. Actually ty to all for sharing your view. Gone be a long road to peace.

BudmanTX said:

wtf kinda jokes are those, not cool

Click to expand...

When I was a youngster, derogatory ethnic/racial jokes were part of the fabric of growing up in the suburbs. However I came to realize that they are inseparable from sly nods to the bigoted ideas that spawned them. There is no longer any way to tell them now without endorsing the bigotry, and defensive disclaimers don’t soften or change the fact of it.

cannabineer said:

When I was a youngster, derogatory ethnic/racial jokes were part of the fabric of growing up in the suburbs. However they are inseparable from sly nods to the bigoted ideas that spawned them. There is no longer any way to tell them now without endorsing the bigotry, and defensive disclaimers don’t soften or change the fact of it.

Click to expand...

Honestly my wife and sister are in the kitchen discussing their offense to your response of defense. I get it. We are tired of labels here. And trying to not use them. My in grained issues are deep. But no negative for your anything other than conduct. I'm not the person you are assuming.

Peace.

cannabineer said:

When I was a youngster, derogatory ethnic/racial jokes were part of the fabric of growing up in the suburbs. However I came to realize that they are inseparable from sly nods to the bigoted ideas that spawned them. There is no longer any way to tell them now without endorsing the bigotry, and defensive disclaimers don’t soften or change the fact of it.

Click to expand...

have to agree with you there, i've notice alot of comedians have changed they're tune on how they're jokes are told as well over the years....i've come to find out that they're better words people can use other than the derogatory ones and or the bigotry one....

MICHI-CAN said:

Honestly my wife and sister are in the kitchen discussing their offense to your response of defense. I get it. We are tired of labels here. And trying to not use them. My in grained issues are deep. But no negative for your anything other than conduct. I'm not the person you are assuming.

Peace.

Click to expand...

Describing my assessment of what you did is not the same as (saying that it equates to) my judging what you might be. Your deploying the straw-man argument merely confirms your repressed consciousness of guilt.

cannabineer said:

Describing my assessment of what you did is not the same as (saying that it equates to) my judging what you might be. Your deploying the straw-man argument merely confirms your repressed consciousness of guilt.

Click to expand...

Openly admitted.

And your fart is but a shit without the mess.

I have no wish to debate you. You're omnipotence and self righteousness are not conducive to a good evening. Continue the fight. I'll keep fighting for peace. Both wrong.

LOL. Peace.

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A Fizzician

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”