In A Nutshell

heres a philosofy for ya, my ex has helped me cultivate it

the nature of man is niether good nor evil, its lazy. and everything that has ever been accomplished by man, for good or ill, stems from this lazyness, with this comes certain qualifiers as too the differant kinds of lazzyness

there's

emotional
physical
spiritual
mental

and depending on the person any one of these may override any or all of the others.

also another sub philosofy my ex helped me develop was this



life sucks, the world sucks, people suck, fuck you all, ill see you all in hell.


shit. im in a funk. i need a friend very badly right now. but. alas. thats not the hand i got delt. also not the reshuffle. or the mulligan. or the fresh pack. and in all honesty i cant really take much more, its just too godamn much weight. more comes every day, and none ever gets taken off, and im gonna snap. ive already started having panic attacks, bouts of crying for no reason, random fluctuations of emotion, violent thoughts, and increasing levels of perceptible aggression in my daily life. this coupled with the pounding, that my almost shatered self esteem takes on a daily basis.

(hey have your wife cheat on you with a SHORT, BALD, FAT, UGLY, meth addict. then see how you feel)

i can feel myself disconecting, pulling back from the world.

but this is a good thing, itll keep me safe when it starts to burn

I am sorry that you are going through all this man, and wish you the best.

Just know that we all are part of the same world. For me I don't stress on the bad things in it, but instead focus on the amazing things around you. Like how everything works so well together. The grass uses up the toxic gases and puts out breathable air, animals feed off the nutrients in plant life, and how the animals all have a place even if it is as food to other animals. Everything has its place in this world.

And you are apart of it too. You contribute to the cycle of life. And all the bad things that happen to us may not seem like there is anything good that can come from it, but it is just how the world works.

I know that there is not much comfort in these words, but when you actually look at it in action it is pretty amazing.


And no matter how insignificant we can sometimes feel, know that you have the power to pull the earth towards you.

hey man, were on the same page beleive it or not.

i beleive in karma. i know shit happens. i dont really mind the bad, its not really that so much (although it is gettin old) its the lack of good.
i understand the wheat with chaff, baby and the bathwater, glass half full kinda shit.

but you gotta understand, my glass isnt half full. the waitress brought it empty. i had started putting some in there, but it was a dribble glass, then i turned my head and someone stole the glass. when i stood up to complain someone hit me in the nuts, when i called the cops they arrested me on an outstanding parking ticket, while in jail i met the man that stole my glass, he then beat me into a coma, and as i lay in a coma every night the guards come in and take turns between raping me and stabbing me with long thin needles as i lay then unconscious.

welcome to thursday.

how bout this, this is no exageration happened this last weekend.

so i finally work in enough time, and somehow save up enough money to go on my first vacation in 10 years (a vacation is any grouping of days i dont work lasting longer than one day). so i make plans and get ready and go. bumper to bumper whole way took 6 hours to go a 3 hour trip. campground was closed. second campground closed. third also closed. hotel 1 full. hotel 2 full. hotel 3, 4 rooms left, 139 a night for 1 person.

so im on my way back from vacation, and this guy changes lanes without looking and runs me up onto the shoulder. he keeps goin and gets way ahead, i keep goin. about 1 minute later im on the side of the road trying to keep that guys brain in cuz he wont stay still. his cars in flames and i have to move this motherfucker with his skull cracked open cuz were both getting burned.
(hey i have a question how do you say "your head is cracked open, and i can see alot of your brain could you please stay still" in spanish)
the cops show up and never even think to use a fire extinguisher, and after 45 minutes on the scene he still didnt know who was driving the other vehicle.
the firetruck shows up to put the fire out.
then the cop starts asking if anyone else was in the car (good thing i checked when the fire was small, cuz if there had been theyda been dead long before that cop thought to ask), so a couple witness statements later and im back on the road and only an hour from home.
i thank bob i had a roach left, and smoke it while doing my best not to think of what id just seen.
i get home, and my last remaining plant is male. ( FIVE in a row, FIVE) (i know this one is trivial in comparison with that dudes brain, but it was a little poetic cap to the shitiest vacation ive ever had)

and thats my life. just when things look up, POW. its getting so im afraid of good things to happen, cuz if things start lookin up, if for even one second i start to feel a glimmer of hope for the future, if i find so much as a dollar on the ground. i know its coming. the evening. (no not night time, evening as in to make balanced again) and my ballance beam wasnt made right, if so much as a feather lands on the good side the whole scale shoots that way, and then crashes back harder than ever.

you cant take the good without the bad, thats what they say you know. but theres no coresponding "you cant take the bad without some good"

i dont mind the bad. its been rainin so long i have gills now. but i could really use just one ray of sunshine. one single genuine ray of light. one that isnt being caused by a gamma ray burst or a meteor about to kill me.

Look closer & you'll find what your looking for. The light always shines...look through the clouds.

ok so this is last friday night

i had a lady friend come into town, and i picked up some killer diller for her, at her request.
and im walking to meet up with her. (see this part here, this is the part where it seemed things were looking up)
next thing i know im laying in the street with people staring down at me, telling me not to move cuz my head was bleeding.
aperantly "something" happened and i fell and hit my head against a curb. (see this part here, this is where the universe kicked me in the metaphorical nuts)
sooooo after a nice ride in an ambulance, and a cat scan, and a bunch of staples in my head, and 6 hours under observation. i have a huge medical bill.
and no i didnt make it to see her, she left before i was aware enough to call.
and the emt's took the weed.

which is either nice of them so the cops wouldnt see it, or makes them dicks, im still not sure which.

its times like this i have to drop to my knees. raise my hands to the sky and say.

"Good one God."

I dare you to write a post that long about what you would like to happen this friday!! Double dare!!

oh thats easy.
i dont even need that many words

this friday, i would like to not hurt.
i would like it, if for even 5 minutes, the pain was gone.
just a breif respite, back to before my stupidity began to damage my long term comfort.

but you know what id settle for, 1 person i know to stop by.
it doesnt even have to be someone i like.
in fact it doesnt even have to be someone i know.

hell id take some Jehovah witnesses.
bible salesman. fuller brushman.
shit anybody

NOWitall said:

oh thats easy.
i dont even need that many words

this friday, i would like to not hurt.
i would like it, if for even 5 minutes, the pain was gone.
just a breif respite, back to before my stupidity began to damage my long term comfort.

but you know what id settle for, 1 person i know to stop by.
it doesnt even have to be someone i like.
in fact it doesnt even have to be someone i know.

hell id take some Jehovah witnesses.
bible salesman. fuller brushman.
shit anybody

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Sorry you are going through so much shit. I know it feels like the last logical thing to try to be a friend to someone when you are in a world of hurt yourself. There's got to be other people who are saying the same things you are about wanting someone to chat with. ?