Lets Hear Some JOKES!

captain chronizzle

captain chronizzle

Well-Known Member
There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.
To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.​

The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".​

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?" -
 
captain chronizzle

captain chronizzle

Well-Known Member
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
 
CHR0N1C K1NG

CHR0N1C K1NG

Member
there was two weed plants one male and one female, the male plant pollinated the female plant SO I SHOT IT IN ITS FUKIN FACE!!!
 
R

ROBINBANKS

New Member
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.
"No," the man replied.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"
The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."
 
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ROBINBANKS

New Member
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
 
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AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION






'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.​


I have been with a loose girl'. ​



The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' ​



'Yes, Father, it is.'​



'And who was the girl you were with?'​



'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.​



"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later​


so you may aswell tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'​



'I cannot say.'​



'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'​



'I'll never tell.'​



'Was it Nina Capelli?'​



'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'​



'Was it Cathy Piriano?'​



'My lips are sealed.'​



'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'​



'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'​



The priest sighs in frustration. ​


'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. ​


But you've sinned and have to atone.​


You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.​


Now you go and behave yourself.'​



Joey walks back to his pew,​


and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,​


'What'd you get?'​



'Four months vacation and five good leads.'​




​
 
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Post Office Job



A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
 He replies, "Yes- caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?
 "Yes," he says "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says,"Yes.A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.".
 
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Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best
martini ever and says to the man, "Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "168".
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and
medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar,
Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try
it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will
you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another
great martini. The robot then says, "Whats your IQ" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you
voted for Obama?"

That about sums it up....
 
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Barak Obama was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland .'

Barak said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special airplane.’

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Jordan shoes.’

Barak said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.’
 
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I kid you not.... New Wine for Seniors


California wineries in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as:
​
​

​
​

PINO MORE
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​
 
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A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder On Michael Jackson’s Death…







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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Deep stuff eh?
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Thank you for purchasing “Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines”brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills. Enjoy!




1) Did you fart?
Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
Cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon...

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up






 
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This week we celebrate a special birthday…

Monica Lewinsky turns 44. Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?
 
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PANTIES ON A PLANE

There were three black ladies getting ready to
take a plane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'al , but
I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo
I get on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked?
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and
I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield,
dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me
some floeesant orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane
is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun,
dey can see me first."

The third lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties........

"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, "Dat's right girlfriends, you
hears me right.
I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane
goes down, honey,
dey always look for da black box first."
 
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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."
 
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The very first ever Blonde Guy joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!


An Irishman , a Mexican and aBlonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.


They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed,'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)?


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.
 
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Boston Chicks.


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the tab le.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Massachusetts. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher
 
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Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.....



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!




Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...



Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................
 
NOWitall

NOWitall

Active Member
ok here you go, did i mention ive got a fuckxed up sense of humor??

so theres this 10 year old boy walkin down the street, lookin really pissed
in one had he has a hundred dollar bill, in the other hand hes dragging a dead frog by a string.
he walks through town till he gets to the town whorehouse.
he walks in slaps the hundred down and says to the madam,
"I want a hooker with herpes"
the madam thinks she missherd.
but the boy slaps that hundred down again and says i want a hooker with herpes goddamnit.
madam says, second door on the left.
so the boy goes down the hall, lookin all pissed off, dragin a dead frog on a string.
so after awhile the boy comes out, still lookin pissed, and goes to leave.
but the madam has to ask, "little boy, you come in here looking pissed off, draggin a dead frog by a string, and asking for a hooker with herpes"
whats up??
so the boy says
well, when i get home im gonna fuck my babysitter, and when my dad gets home HES gonna fuck the babysitter, and when my mom gets home shes gonna fuck my dad, and when my dad leaves for work tomarow my mom is gonna fuck the mailman."
"and thats the mutherfucker that killed my frog"

ehhh whatcha think. ok here another fucked up one.

this 12 year old boy wakes up and hears a commotion coming from his parents room.
when he goes to see what it is, theres his dad, with his mom bent over just bangin away at her.
just as the father is about to finish he looks over and sees his son standing there.
not knowing what to do he just smiles and gives his son a big thumbs up.
so the boy runs back to his room.
after awhile the dad starts thinking he should explain things to his son.
so he goes to his room, but cant find him. checks all over the house, but cant find hide nor hair.
after awhile the father hears this commotion coming from gramas room.
the father opens the door, and theres the son, and hes got his grandma bent over, just goin to town on her.
the father freaks out and screams "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING"
and the kid goes
"Not so funny when its your mom is is mutherfucker"
 
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