Pix That Make You LOL-Warning-SNWS

[video=vimeo;18945208]http://www.vimeo.com/18945208[/video]

I woke up in a foul mood and then lmao. Thanks everyone.

Ponderisms
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!) [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]3. OK[/FONT][FONT=Calibri, 
 Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans? [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?[/FONT]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]5. There are three religious truths: [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters. [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]6. If people from Poland[/FONT][FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial] are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~* [/FONT]
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?[/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? [/FONT]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]15.[/FONT][FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial] I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.[/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*[/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?[/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?[/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* where is #20?[/FONT]
21.[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial] Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [/FONT]
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose? [/FONT]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]23.[/FONT][FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial] Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? [/FONT]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24.[FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial] At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells[/FONT][FONT=Calibri, Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]... 'THEIRS'?[/FONT]

What will they think of next!
A friend sent me this email and
I am sending it on to my Friends.

Wednesday, I approached my truck from the passenger side
To place my computer bag (aka my man purse) in the
Front passenger seat.

As I reached to open the door I noticed there was a hole right under my door handle.
My first thought was, "someone has shot my truck !"
I began to think about it and inspect it a little closer and the "light" slowly began to come on.

I phoned my friend who owns a body shop and asked if he had any vehicles with damage to the doors that
Looked like a bullet hole.

"Yes, I see it all the time. Thieves have a punch and
Place it right under the door handle, knock a hole through, reach in and unlock it, just as if they have a key.

No alarms, broken glass or anything.

I then placed a call to my insurance agent and
Explained it to him I was puzzled that they left my GPS
And all other belongings. Here is where it gets scary !

"Oh no, he said, they want the break-in to be so subtle
That you don't even realize it.

They look at your GPS to see where "home" is.

Now they know what you drive, go to your home, and
If your vehicle isn't there they assume you aren't and
Break in your home."

He says they will even leave a purse or wallet and only
Take one or two credit cards.

By the time you realize there has been a theft,
They may have already had a couple days
Or more to use them.

I didn't realize my situation for two full days!

They even give you the courtesy of re-locking
Your doors for you.

Periodically walk around your car, daily if you are
In a shopping center or other parking area.

Report thefts immediately.... (but I won't let the police in my home-WW)

Your bank w/missing check numbers,
Your credit card agencies, police,
And insurance companies, etc.
( Below is picture of what the hole looks like )

Not sure if this had been posted before, but I thought it was interesting. So here is more useless information.

Where did Piss Poor come from?

Interesting History
The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s etc.:


They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families
used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken &
sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive
you were "Piss Poor."

But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't
even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to
piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by
June. However, since they were starting to smell,
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide their body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then
all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the
children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so
dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get
warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs)
lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and
sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof...
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs
and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top
afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other
than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had
slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,
so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,
when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: "a thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big
kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit
the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew
for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food
in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme:
"Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of
wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding "a wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying
people alive... So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night ("the graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

I love this guy, one of my favorite comedians!

[youtube]1Sahc2hY8v4[/youtube]

lol, i love the first joke in this one !

NICKNAMES

·If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

·If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.



EATING OUT

·When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

·When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY

·A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

·A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

·A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

·The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

·A woman has the last word in any argument.

·Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE

·A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

·A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife..



SUCCESS

·A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

·A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



MARRIAGE

·A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

·A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

·A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

·A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL

·Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

·Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING

·Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

·A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.





THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[FONT=&quot]REMOVING HER CLOTHES:[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]With her consent [/FONT][FONT=&quot]12 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Without her consent 2,187 Calories[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]OPENING HER BRA:[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]With both hands 8 Calories[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]With one hand 12 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]With your teeth 485 Calories[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] PUTTING ON A CONDOM:[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] With an erection 6 Calories[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] Without an erection 3,315 Calories[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]POSITIONS:[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Missionary 12 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] 69 lying down 78 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] 69 standing up 812 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Wheelbarrow 216 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Doggy Style 326 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]ORGASMS:[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] Real 112 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Fake 1,315 Calories[/FONT]



[FONT=&quot] POST ORGASM:[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Getting up immediately 36 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot] GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] If you are:[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] 20-29 years 36 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] 30-39 years 80 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] 40-49 years 124 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] 50-59 years 1,972 Calories [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] 60-69 years 7,916 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] 70 and over Results are still pending[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]DRESSING AFTERWARDS:[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Calmly 32 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] In a hurry 98 Calories[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories[/FONT]

Purple Is Quite Attractive







My Name Is Bond. Pedo Bond.

A different view of things.

The state of Wisconsin has gone an entire deer hunting season without someone getting killed. That's great. There were over 600,000 hunters. Over the last two months, the eighth largest army in the world - more men under arms than Iran; more than France and Germany combined - deployed to the woods of a single American state to hunt deer. But that pales in comparison to the 750,000 who are in the woods of Pennsylvania this week. Michigan's 700,000 hunters have now returned home. Toss in a quarter million hunters in West Virginia, and it is literally the case that the hunters of those four states alone would comprise the largest army in the world. America will forever be safe from foreign invasion of troops with that kind of home-grown firepower.

Remember a gun is just another tool.

Hunting - it's not just a way to fill the freezer. It's a matter of national security!

[FONT=arial,helvetica]

**This is Daddy.**​

**Is Mommy near the phone?'** ​

**'No, Daddy.**​

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**​

**After a brief pause,** ​

**Daddy says,**​

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'** ​

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**​

**Right now..'**​

Brief Pause.​

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**​

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**​

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**​

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** ​

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** ​

**A few minutes later**​

**The little girl comes back to the phone.** ​

**'I did it, Daddy.'** ​

**'And what happened, honey?' ** ​

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** ​

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**​

**And now she isn't moving at all!'** ​

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'** ​

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**​

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**​

**And into the swimming pool.**​

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**​

**Last week to clean it.** ​

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**​

*****Long Pause*****​

*****Longer Pause*****​

*****Even Longer Pause***** ​

**Then Daddy says,** ​

**'Swimming pool? ............**​

**Is this 486-5731?'*​

[/FONT]

Holy crap WW yer going to town, funny ass shit tho! I bet you spend all day at work looking at stuff to post here tho dont ya? heheheh

GET BACK TO WORK!!! lol

[video=youtube;hMtZfW2z9dw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMtZfW2z9dw[/video]