So am going in for brain surgery

So am going in for brain surgery in about a month, I've been really scared and nervous my surgeon says I have nothing to worry about, that he's done this procedure a thousand times and more. But you see -- am not afraid of the surgery or flatlining and dying during the operation. Am scared of the things I have to do before I go in for the procedure, I want to get some things of my chest to friends and love ones around me, Don't misunderstand it's not bad things -- nothing like that. I know there going to be there for me, in the waiting room praying for me and what not. You see I never let anyone get close to me, not my parents, sisters, brothers or friends, I've never used or said the word Love to anyone... last time I cry'd was at 9 years old and haven't shed any tears since, not even when a love'd one passed.... I did not cry, I tried but couldn't. I want to express to my mom and dad how much I love them and how they mean alot to me, and I want to tell them with a hug and tears.... But I can't !! I don't know if anyone understands me but I want them to feel my words, my tears. Am scared I might die and they never got a kiss or a "I love you" from there youngest daughter. Sure I can hug and kiss them and try to throw some fake tears at them.. but it wont mean anything. I don't know if am suffering from depression or some type of emotional disorder. I mean I laugh, I make/tell jokes, I go out, I love to dance... what the hell is wrong with me!. Does anyone out there know what am talking about? why is it so hard to express your feelings to someone? that goes for relationships too, guys think am just playing them and stringing them along, they feel am playing games with them. That is not true!. --As am typing this, am hitting my bong and trying to work up the courage to call my sisters and tell them I love them, same with my parents.
Ohhhhhhhh mannnn I need some spiritual guidance. Anyway no one needs to reply to this.. this is just shit I had to get off my chest, and it felt good typing it out... actually feels good, as if my brain was keeping these thoughts bottled inside.

Mad respect. It takes guts to share something like this. Your just coming to terms with the harsh reality of what COULD happen....Just take it a day at a time, You need to come to peace with yourself before you can come to peace with anyone else...

Your absolutely right... but how? This surgery is surely going to change my perspective on life... Thinks will have to change after this surgery. For example, I wouldn't be able to have this type conversation face to face with a relative or someone close, I want to change that, I want to share my feelings, I want to be more sensual with my boyfriend, I want to shout out my feelings!. but fuk it if I can't I can always write it down and give it to them.

Thanks Killface.

I think your on your way by posting what you did. Maybe start to tell them like this. write a letter kinda like you just did. Ohh you just said that, my bad but yeah, that might open the door a bit, and you'll start to stick your foot through. Best wishes on your surgery!!!

mexiblunt said:

I think your on your way by posting what you did. Maybe start to tell them like this. write a letter kinda like you just did. Ohh you just said that, my bad but yeah, that might open the door a bit, and you'll start to stick your foot through. Best wishes on your surgery!!!

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Thank you!

I can understand where you're coming from. I'm really not sure why it's so hard to express the way you feel - I think it has something to do with making yourself vulnerable and opening up in that way. I think really the best thing to do is know that they truly feel the same way you do, and so if you did tell them, they wouldn't laugh at you or look at you like you're crazy.

karri0n said:

they wouldn't laugh at you or look at you like you're crazy.

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That's actually the reaction I feel am going to get back from them.

K062706 said:

That's actually the reaction I feel am going to get back from them.

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I know

Making ourselves vulnerable can be extremely difficult, but these are people that truly care about you, and they will see that you are being sincere. The last thing they want to do is hurt you.

i agree don't try to fake it just tell them how you feel just like in the rant thy have to know your not one who tears up during a charmin commercial be yourself it will mean so much more to those who know you

I'll see how it goes when the big day comes for the operation... a few more weeks now. it's funny how everyone is really scared and nervous for me, My parents, sisters/brother and friends keep telling me theres nothing to worry about, everything is going to be OK, we're here for you, we love you, but there putting me in an awkward position everytime they say those things, I feel uncomfortable everytime they get all brady bunch with me. Am sure if I do try to express any feelings towards them they will get even more scared for me as if something was wrong. But am planning to write a letter to my sisters/brother and parents, and some close childhood friends that are gonna be there on prep day for the surgery. lol There gonna read or see a whole different side of me, the sensitive me

Sorry didn't metion why I was going in for surgery, bet you guys are wondering... but I got Epilepsy so there going to remove a brain cell which well ease or stop my seizures.

K062706 said:

I want to express to my mom and dad how much I love them and how they mean a lot to me, and I want to tell them with a hug and tears.... But I can't !! I don't know if anyone understands me but I want them to feel my words, my tears. Am scared I might die and they never got a kiss or a "I love you" from there youngest daughter. Sure I can hug and kiss them and try to throw some fake tears at them.. but it wont mean anything.

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there are plenty of folks out there that are more than willing to shed a few crocodile tears and many more who insist on wearing their hearts on their sleeves, as if that were some badge of honor. none of that matters. they are no more human or normal than those of us who stand stoic, even at our most emotional moments. others may gnash their teeth and beat their breasts, but those who know us and love us are quite aware that our emotions run just as deep. "faking it" shouldn't be necessary with them and even considering it is an insult to their love for you. love is not measured by the tears you shed, but by the pains you take to soothe the tears of others.

undertheice said:

they are no more human or normal than those of us who stand stoic, even at our most emotional moments.

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You can say am not human... when my sister passed I didn't go to the funeral because I had to work.. my mom told me "just ask for a day off" I said why? if she's gone she's gone ill speak my peace with her at the cemetery. See am not trying to sound like a cold hearted bitch, but as a kid I've always walked boldly through pain and suffering, it’s not like my sister's passing didn't hurt.It hurt very badly, but when you walk boldly through it, you get to the other side and you emerge as a stronger person, more ready to face the next bad event and more ready to face the next GOOD event, too.... I've been doing this for God knows how long, but it's gotten to the point where it took over. Don't know if that makes any sense?

I feel that this caused me to have some type of emotional disorder through out the years.

K062706 said:

as a kid I've always walked boldly through pain and suffering, it’s not like my sister's passing didn't hurt.It hurt very badly, but when you walk boldly through it, you get to the other side and you emerge as a stronger person, more ready to face the next bad event and more ready to face the next GOOD event, too.

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Keeping your feelings bottled inside is never the answer.

K062706 said:

I feel that this caused me to have some type of emotional disorder through out the years.

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you can call it a disorder if you like. it is beyond the accepted societal norm and i don't doubt some shrink could pay for his new condo trying to "cure" you. the other side of the coin is that this is just the way you are, the way a lot of us are. we accept the pain as a natural part of this life, but see no point to externalizing our every emotion. there's no sin in that.

try to get some pictures of the surgery and post them afterwords ,a video would even be better...if i'm not mistaken i think you stay awake for this surgery


one more thing if you can hand write that letter it is supposed to be more heart felt ,i read that that somewhere

undertheice said:

there's no sin in that.

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Hope your right.

robert 14617 said:

.if i'm not mistaken i think you stay awake for this surgery

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No I won't be awake... there going to open my skull!! I better not be awake lol.

Hey K062706 your going to be fine, brain surgery is def something to be nervous and scared about, i know ive been through it. When i was 6 i had a brain tumor the size of a golf ball in the back right quadrant of my brain, i can still remember those day's like it was yesterday, i can remember walking out of the hospital with my mom after they scheduled my surgery asking her if i was going to die, the only response she could give me was i dont know, it was alot of weight for anyone to carry, but if anything it will just make you stronger, more adaptable to the future thought of death... Atleast it has for me..

As far as sharing your feelings go, letting go of all your feeling's and emotion's can make one feel vulnerable, its a real barrier to overcome, it took me month's and month's of therapy before i was ever able to let that guard down, but let me tell you when i did ive never felt such a relief, id never felt so free. I think if you can thats what you need to do, if there is anytime or opportunity that has every stared you in the face, i think its this one, be free before your surgery, just let it all come spilling out.


Hope that helps. Really best of luck, i will rub buddha's belly for you

Michael Phelps said:

Hey K062706 your going to be fine, brain surgery is def something to be nervous and scared about, i know ive been through it. When i was 6 i had a brain tumor the size of a golf ball in the back right quadrant of my brain, i can still remember those day's like it was yesterday, i can remember walking out of the hospital with my mom after they scheduled my surgery asking her if i was going to die, the only response she could give me was i dont know, it was alot of weight for anyone to carry, but if anything it will just make you stronger, more adaptable to the future thought of death... Atleast it has for me..

As far as sharing your feelings go, letting go of all your feeling's and emotion's can make one feel vulnerable, its a real barrier to overcome, it took me month's and month's of therapy before i was ever able to let that guard down, but let me tell you when i did ive never felt such a relief, id never felt so free. I think if you can thats what you need to do, if there is anytime or opportunity that has every stared you in the face, i think its this one, be free before your surgery, just let it all come spilling out.


Hope that helps. Really best of luck, i will rub buddha's belly for you

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Thank you Michael!
6 years old, I just can't imagine what was going through your head. But I do understand, death is nothing to be afraid of... it's part of life we are all just guest in this f'd up world and have to go sooner or later, so why not make the best of it. Did your tumor go into remission? am guessing yes it did since your still here with us "Teaching How To Roll" Thank you for the kind words and hopefully everything is well with you

The fact that you are becoming conscious of your lack of expression when it comes to emotions is already a huge step. I would say be patient and take it step by step, don't pretend to achieve everything at once, as you go into your journey you will feel and understand what to do. You just took a peek by opening that door, now you need to adventure yourself into the room and as you keep you heart sincere you will discover the magic. You will be ok. I remember a phrase that says "When we fear to do something and we do it, the only thing we loose is the fear."