the joke thread!

[sarah22]

I thought i'd start a thread where people can just write out funny jokes they've heard. i'll start!

i read this just the other day...

on an airline, there is a flight attendant who is very obviously gay. he's flamboyant and animated, really friendly, making sure that everyone on the flight has everything they need and gets really nice service. at one point during the flight, the passengers are asked to put up their trays. so this guy is walking down the isles to make sure that everyone is putting up their tray. then he gets to this one woman near the back of the plane, she's visibly foreign, from another country.

he asks her to please put her tray up, to which she replied "in my country im a princess and i dont have to listen to anyone"

so the gay attendant replied to her "well sweetheart, in my country im a queen, and i trump you. TRAY UP!"

and heres another funny one...

a man had just left the car dealership. he'd been going through a bit of a mid-life crisis and he bought himself a brand new corvette. he drives it off the lot and starts cruising very quickly down the highway, feeling the wind blowing through the small amount of hair he had left. then all of a sudden, he heard sirens behind him and saw flashing lights. so he decides to put the pedal to the medal and take off. he's going, 90mph, then 100, 110, and he got all the way up to 120mph when he thought about it for a moment and decided that he was too old for this crap so he finally pulled over.

the state trooper walked up to the car, and said, "sir, if you can give me ONE good reason for why you were speeding, i'll let you go."

so the man said to him "well officer, a few years ago, my wife took off with a state trooper. I thought you were trying to return her to me"

to which the trooper said "have a nice day, sir." and he turned around and walked away.


SO RIU! lets hear your jokes!

 

[CdnBud]

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

 

[sarah22]

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

haha! thats a good one i love blonde jokes haha. a couple of my friends are natural blondes, they're both really really smart academically, but man they can be ditsy...

 

[sarah22]

i just had a friend send me this one...

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said, FUUUUCK..!!!!! dude...
How much water did you drink!?

 

[......]

hahahaha I liked the speeding and crocodile one.
I'll be back when I find some new ones.

 

[neosapien]

i just had a friend send me this one...

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said, FUUUUCK..!!!!! dude...
How much water did you drink!?

Haha that was pretty good.

I keep these 2 in the arsenal for my friends kids... and hot ladies with kids!


What's black white and red all over?
A Penguin with a sunburn!!!

What did one snowman say to the other?
Smells like carrots!!

 

[iNVESTIGATE]

All righty,

So there's three women taking a vacation across the ocean. A white woman, a latin gal, and a dark lady. Whilst packing the three somehow start talking about plane crashes. The first woman says out of fear of crashing and not being found she is going to wear yellow panties and undergarments. So if they did crash she would be found easy. The second says she already bought waterproof underwear with lights on them just in case. And the third woman says im going commando because they always find the black box.

 

[KaleoXxX]

just read this in a thread and though it was joke worthy

me and my buddy got a sac and he paid for it....so i owed him sum money!! after we got the sac this dude robs us walking back in an alley and i told the robber to hold on a minute .......then gave my buddy the money i owed him.....and the robber took all the money then !!! LMFAO!!! damn my buddy was pissed!!!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[sarah22]

these jokes are great! keep em coming!

 

[CdnBud]

A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the necessary equipment and goes to the nearest frozen ice. About 20 feet out he cuts a hole in the ice. "There's no fish there!" booms a voice. "The stoner shrugs and moves out another 50 feet and starts to cut another hole. "There's no fish there, either!" booms the voice.
The stoner shouts, "Is that you God?"
"No," says the voice, "I'm the Zamboni driver"