tired of being a scumbag but dont know how to change....

roldgoldrlg

roldgoldrlg

Well-Known Member
theexpress said:
first and for most... some of you guys who may know me will know that im all kinds of fucked up..... and unfortunently it is not an act... im the same jaggov behind the screen that I am in real life... I wasn't always like this.... looking back to my childhood at about 7-8 year old shit start going bad for me... I started acting up and making poor decisions that would follow me threw life... I could sit here and blame my father for not being there for me and beating my mother more times then I care to recall and twice trying to kill my mom {once shot her in the ear thank god it didn't hit her head} some of it has to do with him.. other parts I made my own bed and had to lie in it... I practiced so hard since I was young to be just a cold cruel person... so much so that I got lost in that shit and programmed myself to be that dude.... I thought it would be necessary for my survival but man I fucking hate what I have become... I cant control my anger for shit... I loose my cool over the most minimal and stupidest shit. I can now from practice sometimes catch myself before I hurt someone {took a lot of practice} but its hard to control my words I find myself saying the craziest most hurtfull shit that comes into my mind and out my lips first..... I don't know wtf it is to be happy.. I cant remember the last time I was truly happy... I mainly have 2 emotions.... anger and depression.. and I end up masking the depression and manifesting it into anger so others wont mistake it for a weakness... my face wears 2 main expressions.... anger and hurt..... anything else seems not to look right on me... I don't look right being happy... prolly cuzz most the time its fake. ive tried so hard to fucking change but its hard to break old habbits and mindsets.... I know I have a big heart but wtf good is that if hardly no one ever sees or notices it in you... there is soooo much more shit I dont have the patience to sit here and type it all..... ive reached that moment in life where I hate wat ive become... just been feeling down and like fucking shit lately... any advice or imput would be appreciated... whether negative or positive imput I prolly deserve it either way.... AM I FUCKED FOR LIFE OR WHAT? lol fml!!!
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Your awareness shows you are super intelligent, more people feel the same way and hold in. It's lonely because if you try to be strong it comes off as asshole and people stay away. Sucks...it's hard to control emotions, I hate myself all day everyday for the same shit..past/present/god forbid a future with happiness involved (how it feels). Seriously though your aware of yourself, that's huge believe it or not....your already cool in my book for being yourself. Hang in there, I wish I could say more but I'm on a phone....typing. I'm a true scumbag/shower maby once or twice a month (depression) and I'm just a good old dirt bag:)
 
theexpress

theexpress

Well-Known Member
roldgoldrlg said:
Your awareness shows you are super intelligent, more people feel the same way and hold in. It's lonely because if you try to be strong it comes off as asshole and people stay away. Sucks...it's hard to control emotions, I hate myself all day everyday for the same shit..past/present/god forbid a future with happiness involved (how it feels). Seriously though your aware of yourself, that's huge believe it or not....your already cool in my book for being yourself. Hang in there, I wish I could say more but I'm on a phone....typing. I'm a true scumbag/shower maby once or twice a month (depression) and I'm just a good old dirt bag:)
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i wwill bro
 
theexpress

theexpress

Well-Known Member
despite smashing close to a 12 pack last night again i feel fucking great today. its like the fog has lifted. i would smoke so much weed that i never knew wat day it was it all seemed like a long ass day. alot of times i couldnt remember if a particuler event happend the current day or days ago
 
iconoclast

iconoclast

Well-Known Member
theexpress said:
first and for most... some of you guys who may know me will know that im all kinds of fucked up..... and unfortunently it is not an act... im the same jaggov behind the screen that I am in real life... I wasn't always like this.... looking back to my childhood at about 7-8 year old shit start going bad for me... I started acting up and making poor decisions that would follow me threw life... I could sit here and blame my father for not being there for me and beating my mother more times then I care to recall and twice trying to kill my mom {once shot her in the ear thank god it didn't hit her head} some of it has to do with him.. other parts I made my own bed and had to lie in it... I practiced so hard since I was young to be just a cold cruel person... so much so that I got lost in that shit and programmed myself to be that dude.... I thought it would be necessary for my survival but man I fucking hate what I have become... I cant control my anger for shit... I loose my cool over the most minimal and stupidest shit. I can now from practice sometimes catch myself before I hurt someone {took a lot of practice} but its hard to control my words I find myself saying the craziest most hurtfull shit that comes into my mind and out my lips first..... I don't know wtf it is to be happy.. I cant remember the last time I was truly happy... I mainly have 2 emotions.... anger and depression.. and I end up masking the depression and manifesting it into anger so others wont mistake it for a weakness... my face wears 2 main expressions.... anger and hurt..... anything else seems not to look right on me... I don't look right being happy... prolly cuzz most the time its fake. ive tried so hard to fucking change but its hard to break old habbits and mindsets.... I know I have a big heart but wtf good is that if hardly no one ever sees or notices it in you... there is soooo much more shit I dont have the patience to sit here and type it all..... ive reached that moment in life where I hate wat ive become... just been feeling down and like fucking shit lately... any advice or imput would be appreciated... whether negative or positive imput I prolly deserve it either way.... AM I FUCKED FOR LIFE OR WHAT? lol fml!!!
Click to expand...
Hey man, much respect for realizing it's time to change, you've already taken the most difficult and courageous step. You've had a difficult childhood and that play's a huge part in how you view and deal with the world so it's not all your fault. Many people in your shoes will never even make it to this point, they will just keep blaming other people for their situation and will never improve their situation. The fact that you are aware of or becoming aware of how your actions affect others is key.

My advice is to continue to be aware of your negative actions, most of the time you won't catch them until after they have happened. That's okay, because you can go back and apologize to the person you may have hurt. That will help humble you and quiet that negative voice inside you. After a while you will be able to catch those negative reactions before you act on them.

Almost everyone, including myself, suffers from some form of negative thinking but some people are more prone to it depending on different factors. Believe me, being nice to people, helping people, and having people care about you is a much better feeling that being mean to them. Keep up the good work and push yourself to be nicer to people and understand that when you think someone is making you angry, try to remember that the real cause is probably your own ego, looking for a reason to be mean to someone , and nothing actually something that the person did. Good luck man.
 
theexpress

theexpress

Well-Known Member
i appriciate the kind words and advice from u folks i never met that last post hit home esp keeping my ego in check
 
theexpress

theexpress

Well-Known Member
day 8... its gettin easier. no weed no ciggs modified atkins diet. goin out my way to be friendly. people in my life noticing a change.. my biggest issue now is my anger...that may stay an issue for a while doe.. i need to fix it somehow
 
DonAlejandroVega

DonAlejandroVega

Well-Known Member
theexpress said:
day 8... its gettin easier. no weed no ciggs modified atkins diet. goin out my way to be friendly. people in my life noticing a change.. my biggest issue now is my anger...that may stay an issue for a while doe.. i need to fix it somehow
Click to expand...
lots of water, daily physical activity............
 
giggles26

giggles26

Well-Known Member
theexpress said:
day 8... its gettin easier. no weed no ciggs modified atkins diet. goin out my way to be friendly. people in my life noticing a change.. my biggest issue now is my anger...that may stay an issue for a while doe.. i need to fix it somehow
Click to expand...
I've found anger is one of the hardest ones to get rid of. I'm extreme bipolar and shit so I still jump down people's throat right without thinking from time to time but I put a rubber band on my wrist and every time I do it without thinking I snap myself. Doesn't hurt but it sure makes me remember...
 
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